As a new grad vet I made a mistake. I am human. I am not alone.

I was working in a busy mixed practice and had been qualified just a few months. With just one small animal op morning per week, I'd struggled to get into a groove.

I did not have a supportive boss, nor a mentor I could call on. I tried my best and had great support from a team of lovely, understanding nurses but I struggled each and every op morning.

The cat in question was one of two that had been brought in by an elderly lady to be spayed. I'd performed maybe 20 successful cat spays before and both cat spays that morning were unremarkable.

I tied my ligatures as I always had, but clearly, something went wrong.

One of the two cats struggled to recover post-op and whilst I was out TB testing some cattle later that day had become progressively pale and a colleague had been forced to re-opened the abdomen.

I wasn't told exactly which ligatures had slipped (and as I was so deep in my shame I never asked) but the cat, unfortunately, passed away later that day.

My boss called me into the office on my return and opened with "your cat spay died" followed by, "you better phone the owner".

I picked up the phone and called the 96-year-old owner expecting tears, outrage, and anger.

Her response?

"Oh don't worry dear, these things happen. Are you ok?"

To which there were silent tears my end.

This is where the moral of the story would come in. Except there is no moral.

If I had to find some learning from this incident, some wisdom to pass on, I'd say mistakes happen, surgery has risks, we are human, and almost every vet will have suffered a similar loss, a case they felt they didn't do "right", a decision that lead to a poor outcome.

All we can do is learn. Adapt. Grow.

What I should have done after I put that phone down was be compassionate with myself. I should have sought help to learn how to manage my unhelpful thoughts and difficult emotions.

I could have reviewed my ligature technique and asked colleagues about suture material choice (I'm old ish, and my bosses were even older so it was giant catgut all the way back in the day). I could have reviewed my anatomy, my landmarks and the size and position of my incision.

I did none of these things.

Instead for the next few months, I avoided cat spays, in fact, I avoided most cat surgeries and I picked up every dog surgery I could (strangely, even the spays ).

I got back to doing cat spays eventually and moved to a more supportive practice.

15 years later I wrote the CPD course I wish I'd had after that mistake.

Surgical confidence online.

If you are struggling after the loss of a patient or have that one case that keeps mentally coming back to haunt you when you think of surgery, reach out, send me an email, or consider joining The Veterinary Confidence Club

Surgery doesn't have to be scary and the scars of your past mistakes can heal with the right help and support

Louise x